Bobbie Breckenridge

S7E5: The Do's and Don'ts of Connecting over Stories in the Workplace with Bobbie Breckenridge

What happens if you don’t have all the answers from your family heritage and/or if your past was filled with trauma and turbulent role models in your upbringing? Bobbie Breckenridge, an innovative social worker and mind-body coach is living proof that healing can take place and that inviting in courage and compassion, often starting with yourself, can lead to healthy connection with others. Bobbie and Anika discuss how recalling and harvesting stories at different stages of your life can empower people to better understand themselves. Not only does Bobbie provide practical tips on how to connect with others in the workplace, Anika and Bobbie model a question and answer over family history that could have been triggering for Bobbie, if she hadn’t done the work in the first place and if Anika didn’t hold space for the range of emotions that can come with storytelling. You’ll leave both inspired and better equipped to bring story sharing to your workplace.

About our guest:

Bobbie is an innovative social worker and mind-body coach with over a decade of experience in community development and holistic wellness. Her unwavering commitment to co-creating a better world is exemplified through her leadership in organizing initiatives that foster genuine connections and promote well-being for all.

As a key contributor to GenWell, Canada’s Human Connection Movement, Bobbie manages their social health programs, using her versatile skills to educate, empower, and catalyze Canadians around the importance of human connection to improve their physical & mental health and overall quality of life. 

Driven by lifelong learning, Bobbie continually advances her expertise through professional development. Her personal healing journey has empowered her to guide others in overcoming their challenges, helping them reclaim their power, pleasure, and purpose. She is devoted to weaving a new legacy of wellness within her community, touching countless lives along the way.

Bobbie has been lighting up stages since she was a kid, winning her first speaking competition at just 13. Now, with over five years of experience inspiring communities through speaking about health and wellness, she brings a dynamic and engaging presence to every stage, passionately advocating for a more connected Canada.

Anika

Welcome back to Root & Seed, a podcast about tradition seekers who are sparked to explore, define, and celebrate their family and cultural identity. I'm your host Anika Chabra.  Workplace culture varies and comes in all shapes and forms, but no matter how many foosball tables, free snacks, fantasy football leagues one can dream up. One thing is for sure it starts and ends with its people.  

Our colleagues come from a mix of backgrounds and personal experiences, all of which shaped them as communicators, collaborators, and innovators. Some are direct and some are empathetic. Some are great leaders, some are great builders and some are just, well, not our cup of tea.  In any given career, we will meet them all. We decided to talk to Bobbie Breckenridge, a social impact leader from GenWell, a movement that exists to address the issues of social isolation, disconnection, and loneliness through the power of human connection. 

As a survivor of her own childhood and intergenerational traumas, she has an honest and direct way of helping us learn how to better understand our coworkers so that we can communicate with them more effectively. And it's something that takes work and might not always be intuitive. Bobbie starts with an introduction, so meaningful. It sets the tone for the rest of the interview

Bobbie 

Thank you so much for having me on the Root & Seed podcast. I'm so excited to be here. And I think what I'd like listeners to know about me is that I am the Director of Programming for GenWell, which is Canada's human connection movement. And our work really addresses social isolation, disconnection, and loneliness.  And I'm also a registered social worker and holistic health coach with experience working with people across all developmental life stages from youth, all the way to older adults. I've also shared my story of surviving an abusive childhood since I was 14, and I've used my story to really advocate for holistic community services that actually help individuals reclaim their lives, pleasure, their power and their purpose. And I really aim to support people in rebuilding their lives in a way that aligns with their true values, particularly after experiencing trauma, because I know firsthand what it's like to have to build a life where you can thrive when what you received in childhood set you up for survival or failure at best. And so that is my whole heart and soul. I'm just here to connect people and help people feel healthy again and whole and like they can live their best lives without carrying around all this intergenerational trauma that they've inherited.  

Anika

Thank you for that. I mean, just your openness and vulnerability oozes through every word as you introduce yourself. And I would say this is not a conversation that we've had on Root & Seed before. And I feel on one hand, it's remarkable because we've got to so many episodes and haven't had a direct conversation about the effects, the direct effects of an unhealthy upbringing on people today. And I just, I want to just applaud you for telling your story. Because that's another thing that we do at Root & Seed. Somebody asked me yesterday, like, how do you help people to inspire them to get to know themselves better? And it's honestly through showing the different types of stories that are out there, and I think you're just adding another layer and another part of the tapestry of the Root & Seed narrative, which I think is super important. So I appreciate you and appreciate you  being willing to share with us today. 

How has your background and lived experiences really informed the way that you show up, particularly with others?  

Bobbie

That's a beautiful question. I would say my background and lived experience has informed all the ways that I show up with others, because I feel like I kind of got the download of what not to do early in life, and it was through really experiencing what not to do that I had the choice point to decide what I want to do. And it's interesting -  my heritage is kind of a blend of Irish and Scottish roots from my mother's side. And she grew up kind of like a “rich country girl” from a broker. Very middle upper class,  isolated from the world, a rich country girl. And then on my dad's side is Eastern European. They migrated here from Canada or sorry, migrated here from Eastern Europe and grew up in a lot of poverty.  And I know abusive cycles there. And my dad actually ended up out on his own at 15  and ended up involved in criminal activity. And so I literally was like this explosion of “rich, naive country girl” who got kicked out of her family for not following daddy's footsteps and becoming a broker and crazy, wild, kind of violent, bad boy father who is out on his own and doing all the things and they got together and it was crazy worlds collide, and resulted in this upbringing shaped by poverty, family conflict, and so much intergenerational trauma. I now had this opportunity to recognize these patterns and make a conscious choice to break that cycle of what was passed on from my grandparents, great grandparents, all the way to my parents, and pursue a new path for myself in the future generations. And that was kind of what led me on this journey when I was 14 to start to study psychology, sociology, health, wellness, trauma healing, complementary therapies, like you name it. Over the last 15 years, I have studied it because my goal is really to understand and address these societal patterns and intergenerational patterns that shape us and our identities to ultimately help people to choose a path that supports their whole selves and who they are beyond their conditioning and what they received in early childhood life, and that really shaped also my desire to show up for people and create safe, brave spaces for them to explore themselves and heal from this, because I often think that so much of what we define as our identities are really just intergenerational trauma patterns as well as social conditioning of things we've received from outside influences that have shaped our inner worlds. And then we end up internalizing that and thinking that that's who we are. But really, I'm here to operate as that reminder of, is that really who you are? Or are you something that exists beyond that? 

And could you ultimately choose to show up an entirely new way of being that allows your whole world to open up and for you to reconnect with yourself and choose a path of connection with others in a way that actually feels meaningful and intimate and real for you? 

Anika

So what struck me about that answer was this idea that there's society telling you things, there's your culture telling you things, there's your family telling you things, there are things that you're telling yourself  and you by surfacing stories, with, revisiting some of the past in a very healthy way, you have opportunity or an agency, I guess, to really decide what is true for you or not.

And how does that play out for you today? And I, if I may, I would also add that this is a continuous thing. I think at different stages and phases of your life, it's not like writing a memoir or identifying your personal brand when you're starting to embark upon your career and in whatever vocation. I think this is something that people need to do more often and I don't think enough people are doing that “harvesting” of stories and that auditing of stories.  Again, is it society that's telling you this? Your family? Your culture? Your peers? and what are you telling yourself? And if you are in a practice of understanding what those stories are and surfacing them, I think that's when you can really understand who you want to show up as today. And doing that consistently in an active way, I think is something that is missing in this world. So I appreciate how you've added a layer to that.  

Bobbie

Yeah, I agree so much with that, Anika, like 100%. I don't think we're auditing and harvesting stories enough. And as you said, it's something that exists on a spectrum, right? Because as we move through these different developmental stages that we're in we need to show up differently, right? Like who I am as a child is different than who I was as a teenager, is different than who I was as a young adult, is different as who I become as a parent, who I become as an adult. And as we move through, if we're not doing this conscious, intentional clearing and choice points of what do I want to believe? Who do I want to be? What am I choosing to accept as my reality? And how do I show up in my life? Well, then it's like, we're just  carrying so much baggage around with us over and over that we get trapped in these tight little rigid boxes of who we think we should be and how we think we should show up in the world, which, really destroys our ability to be free and choose from a place of our heart of what do I actually really value in my life? And how do I want to show up in a way that makes me feel alive?  As opposed to what I was told, I'm supposed to show up as. 

Anika

I encourage listeners to actually look at our transcript of this interview because you have isolated at least four to five questions that you could ask yourself, you can actually do this as a first step on your own to surface some of those things that you're talking about that are unconscious, right? They just live and they breathe and their inner bones. The relatability of what you're saying. You know, I imagine when I think about the trauma, the small T trauma that I faced when I was younger had to do a lot with what my mother had faced, um, when she grew up  in a very tumultuous time. And I've told this story before, but it's worth repeating.  She grew up in a family , during a time that was very unsettling politically and geographically with partition, between the India and Pakistan border. And in an instant, her family went from very wealthy to very poor and her father suffered a lot of depression and unconsciously that lived in her and her actions and her body.

And then was passed on to me. So things like “endings” are very - they're very traumatic for me. And it could be as little as ending a trip. It could be as little as ending a relationship that's no longer serving me. I will keep things going just because I “dread the ending”. And that actually was something that I believe was passed on from her parents to her then to me. And in a very unconscious way, because on paper, I had a very beautiful, loving, upbringing. And yet I can identify that through the work I've done and how that's kind of shown up. But it wasn't until I understood my family stories and “owned” my family stories around that I got to a place that I could bring that to consciousness, if that makes sense. So knowing the facts of where they moved and how they moved and the circumstances around that was really important for me to uncover first,  in order to get to a place where I understood the meaning behind some of those really important moments in my ancestors journey. So anyway, I just thought I'd share that because I feel like when you're talking about things,....you  have so many choices in life, right?

We have more choices than I think we know, or we give ourselves credit for. And I think you've chosen a path that takes a lot of courage, a lot of consciousness and a lot of commitment. So three C's. There you go, Bobbie. Three C's for you. Courage, commitment, and consciousness that I believe, uh, will serve society and will serve future generations. Bobbie, with your background in social work and therapy, we'd love for your take on this question. What should people be mindful of when they connect with family and with others when they're talking about the topics of background, family history, and stories, even in a playful way like we do at Root & Seed? 

Bobbie

Yeah, I love this question of what people should be mindful of when they're connecting with others, especially around sharing stories and background and family history. I'd say the first and foremost thing we always want to do is cultivate our compassion and our understanding. We want to recognize that everyone has a unique story that's shaped who they are, that we need to approach these histories and these stories with curiosity, as opposed to assumptions and judgment. Because as we kind of chatted about before often these stories, this conditioning in these identities,have a lot of big feelings around them. And sometimes, we're not even sure why they feel big. For example I had an experience once with a boss that I now recognize represented, an unconscious parental figure for me. And they were very triggering because they would treat me in similar ways that my parents treated me. And so I could never figure out why I felt so angry and frustrated working with this person so often.  So little things that would impact me, that normally wouldn't bother me in a workplace, bothered me so much with them. And I'd be like why? And eventually I realized oh! It's because they are representing a parental figure for me. And so I share that as a way to kind of recognize so often these emotions make no sense. In my head, I was like, this is my boss, I need to show up professionally. I can't get angry at them. But in my heart, I was just like, I'm in so much pain. Why don't you see me? Why don't you understand me? Why won't you love me? And so like so many of us we have those really vulnerable, hurting, tender parts of us. And so the more we can show up with ourselves and with others from a place of curiosity and compassion, like hey, what's going on in there? Are you seeing me? Okay, I know I'm kind of upset. You seem kind of angry , I really want to know you more. Please can I know your heart? Can I know what's going on? People respond to that. They can feel when we're open and we're coming to them from a place of genuineness and I want to know you versus why the hell are you doing this thing? It's so annoying. What are you doing? Why are you doing this? I'm sure even just in that you can feel the difference between wow, what's coming up for you? I want to know what's on your mind? What's on your heart? Versus why are you doing this thing? What's going on here? Why do you keep doing this?  So I'd say being mindful of the fact that this can trigger big feelings for people and bring up pain or unresolved issues. So let's be curious and let's create spaces where people feel like they can be seen and accepted and have authentic conversations.  And some practical ways that you can actually do this is for example, practicing active listening, which I know sounds so simple, but I've often found that the simplest things in life are the hardest things for us to do, which is so weird how that works. We really want to give people our full attention. Which is more difficult than it sounds. So phone down, eye contact on them, try not to be thinking about how you want to respond or what you want to say after. Really imagine you can just receive what they're saying. Fully be there and receive.  And then you want to reflect back what you're hearing from them. And you could either pick very simple feeling words, if they're I feel so overwhelmed right now, this going on, that's going on, la la la la, you can be like that's so overwhelming, I hear you. 

And you really want to validate their feelings. This  sounds so simple, but I can't tell you enough, almost no one receives active listening. That's why so many people want to go to counselors. And I often joke that I feel like my job would be obsolete if people learned how to actively listen to one another.Because what most people genuinely want is they want to feel heard, and they want to feel understood. Which means they want you to reflect back on what you're hearing them say. So I hear this, I'm hearing that, and they want their feelings to be validated. Oh, you're feeling so sad right now. I totally understand. I would feel sad too, if x, y, and z.  The next piece of advice I would give is to your best ability, please try to avoid interrupting them. Dear God, please try to not give unsolicited advice. I know you mean well, we all mean well, we've all been taught to just immediately go to solutions. Most people do not want solutions. At least not right away. They need to be heard and validated first before we move in the direction of like, how can we actually support you?  And so another piece with that is try not to shift the conversation to yourself. And it's natural, right? We hear it and we're like, oh yeah, I've been there, I totally get it, and here's what's helped me. And again, it's all well intentioned, but often very invalidating for the other person because they're sharing really intimate details about their life with you before you shift to yourself or sharing your experiences or giving advice. You want to meet them where they're at, which means I hear you saying this. I feel you're feeling this, I want to meet you here, and again, as I said, trying not to interrupt and just be present with them. If you can master those few things,  you'll be at  a 95 percentile on emotional intelligence and communication skills, because the majority of the population does not speak or connect with people like that,  and that's the medicine so many people need. When they're sharing their stories and their background is they really just want to be heard seen and understood and have a space where it's okay to feel the feelings because it's very rare in our society to have a place where we get to show up in the full range of how we feel without having to censor ourselves, censor ourselves in some way to make it more package-able or manageable or less uncomfortable for other people. 

Anika

Bobbie may ask you a question from our workplace cards? I'll pick a random one for you. 

In your culture, in your heritage or background, what food is known to help someone when they are sick? 

Bobbie

That's a cool question. And I'll be open hearted and vulnerable here because I feel like we've had a very open hearted, vulnerable conversation. One of the things I struggle with is because of how I was raised and how disconnected I am from my biological family. I don't have a lot of those cultural roots that a lot of people had.I never got to meet my grandparents and receive the stories or the medicine. So I've had to do a lot of, like, outside research and to find my own path to connecting to my ancestors and my lineage,which has been a bit of a difficult journey because, as we said, it's sometimes hard to know those stories and know  our histories have impacted us when, um, we're, you We really don't, like, we weren't around our, our biological family very much and didn't have an opportunity to really, like, receive those.

So I could take guesses. I guess one memory I have is whenever, um, I wasn't feeling well or sick my  mom always made chicken noodle soup and that was always good for the soul. Um, and I know she got that from her mother. But I just wanted to be open hearted there because it's definitely been a journey like reclaiming my lineage and ancestry and having to study that outside of not having a lot of  family stories  to pass on, which is very interesting when you're trying to heal from that. And you don't have access to a lot of the stories and you kind of have to like, root them out through you know, your body and your emotions and like the internal world you go through and kind of like piecing together the little, little puzzle pieces you have and figuring it out. 

Anika

I appreciate that.I don't know if you saw what I was doing there, but I was encouraging myself to pause as opposed to jump in and say, that's okay, let's go on to another question. Or don't worry, you don't have to answer this. And I was just observing you with admiration work through it because it's hard, right? Sometimes these questions can stir up some stuff.  And so what I was trying to do there is do what I said that I was going to do five minutes ago, which is embrace the pause. So yeah. 

Bobbie

And thank you for receiving me and not immediately trying to shut down discomfort, right? Because that's also a way that prevents us from storytelling because we're like, oh, we don't want to cause anyone to be uncomfortable or ooh, I don't want to feel uncomfortable. And so we don't welcome up that space to just be honest and present. And I really value spaces to just bring my heart and be like, oh, yeah, I don't really know. And this is like the reality of where we're at. And I think this creates kind of what Brene Brown talks about: that brave leadership and that daring leaders aren't afraid to have conversations and open up spaces where we can get a little bit messy and uncomfortable because we understand that that vulnerability creates trust. And it creates more connection, creates those spaces where then we can collaborate and grow and build together in meaningful ways that honor the actual complexities and challenges of real life rather than sticking to the superficial or this kind of like black and white us versus them thinking that we often find ourselves in the society.

I'd say if there's one thing I can leave people with, it's you get to be both. You can be messy and a work in progress and super vulnerable. And still be an amazing professional and awesome at what you do and responsible and hold all the things. It's not either or, right? It's not this black and white thing. We get to be all of it. And the more we can bring all of that the richer our work cultures are, the richer our lives are, and the more real life gets to be because we're not trying to put us in all these weird boxes all the time. That's just ultimately not truth and not who we really are. So  we're here for all of it and we need to be all of it.

Anika

What a great final thought to end off a special episode, be here for all of it. In fact, with most things that are really worth it, we need to constantly question the status quo, embrace the messy and exercise patience while we figure out this thing called life.  No one has it all put together at home or at the office? So be honest, adopt some self-reflection and use the past and your stories to help navigate you forward.  Bobbie leaves us inspired with some thought provoking questions, and we encourage you to check out the GenWell project and all they are up to - link in show notes.  

Okay, so in this season we explored the good and the bad of workplaces, how teams and working styles are evolving.  Even what organizations are doing to support elder generations in the workforce in solutions and in life. Next up, we have a two-parter and I'm excited to share my conversation with an acclaimed Ted speaker on what we can learn from younger generations on how to be a better leader. You didn't think we'd skip a lesson from the younger generations this season, did you?

This episode was hosted by me, Anika Chabra, executive produced by Jenn Siripong Mandel and edited by Camille Blais.  Bye for now.

Episode Credits

Hosted by: Anika Chabra

Brought to you by: Root & Seed

Executive Producer: Jennifer Siripong Mandel

Sound Editing by: Camille Blais

Music credit: Something 'bout July (Instrumental) by RYYZN https://soundcloud.com/ryyzn

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